Amita was super tense, she had taken so many leaves from her office. She did not know how to ask for more, her boss may not sanction any further leaves but she could not help it. Her son Arman had his final exams. Arman was a grade IX student. But unlike all other students, he needs his mother around him during exams. Amita used to teach him till now and it’s a fact of embarrassment for both of them. But she had no other solution as she could not leave him.
It was important for her to be there with Arman. She sat beside him to ensure that he studied well. She ensured that he did not have to get up for answering the doorbell or to take his food or even a glass of water. Amita made Arman’s favorite dishes and fed him with her own hands.
No one in the house was allowed to switch on the T.V., to avoid any kind of distraction. Guest and relatives were told not to visit them during these days. Amita was always very anxious about Arman. She was scared and extremely possessive about Arman. Amita wanted to give him her best and be with him all the time.
Amita closely monitored all the activities of her son. She even went out with him in the evening when he went to play. Amita knew all his friends and would often advise Arman regarding his basic day-to-day decisions. All of Arman’s needs were met- even the unspoken desires were fulfilled by his parents. He always had his parents around for everything. He felt loved and cared for. Other children would wish to have such loving and caring parents.
Arman never prepared himself to face the world on his own as he always had assistance. He found himself less confident to face new challenges. He had never experienced failure and challenges in life, which was now adversely affecting his coping ability in the wake of adversity. With shattered self-esteem, he started believing that his parents don’t trust him and they may think that he can’t accomplish tasks on his own. Moreover, as found himself feeling extremely anxious when his exams or even assignments were due for submission!
Another peculiar incident that took place was when Arman went on a school trip with his friends. All of them had a great time. On the last day, when it was time to pack clothes, Arman found himself stranded as he had no clue of packing clothes. Arman’s friends were ready to check out as they packed their clothes quickly. He didn’t know how to begin packing and how to wrap this up quickly. He was just staring at his belongings in awe.
Amita used to fold his clothes, pack his bags and keep everything ready for him. But now he has to do everything on his own. He had no clue what to do. So, his friends came to the rescue and assisted him with all things.
Amita was always there for Arman and did the best she could to provide for her son. But is this the correct way to support one’s child? How can a parent care for the child, yet not inhibit their learning ability to grasp life skills?
Parents must be considerate about the fact that the children they raise must have the adept skills to function as effective adults. Their stressors today should turn into challenges of tomorrow, and not inhibitors. Just like the training wheels of a bicycle come off once the child learns to balance, parents must learn to watch their children emerge out of predicaments on their own.
The role of a parent is to teach them the skill, and then watch the child succeed or even fall and then rise, from a distance. This ultimately enhances their coping abilities as adults and increased their resilience.
What could be the possible reasons behind Amita’s parenting style? Was she scared to see Arman fail, or experience unhappiness when he did not succeed? Or did she feel guilty if she didn’t intervene and help him at every step? Parents often experience anxiety about their children.
Amita wanted Arman to be a successful individual. But she was concerned over the fact that Arman might face difficulties in progressing ahead without her assistance. She did not want to see him hurt or disappointed, ever! Amita’s family never took proper care of her when she was a kid. She tries to give all the care and love to him like she would have expected from her parents. And this could be the reason for Amita’s over concerning behavior towards his child.
Whatever the reason may be, parents must introspect and try to understand the cause of their behavior. Being engaged in your child’s life is quintessential, but over-engagement emerging out of fear can be deleterious for their growth, as exemplified by Amita.
Stay tuned for more “Food for thought – from Principal’s desk” An initiative to make parenting the most enjoyable part of your life.